Dead Bedroom: The Silent and Slow Burden in Relationships
A sexless marriage, often referred to as a dead bedroom, can be deeply distressing for one or both partners. While sex is not the sole foundation of a healthy relationship, it is often a vital expression of intimacy, desire, reassurance, and emotional connection. When sexual intimacy fades or disappears, couples may experience feelings of rejection, loneliness, resentment, confusion, or shame. Many suffer in silence, unsure whether their experience is normal or whether anything can truly change.
Counselling for a sexless marriage offers a supportive and structured way to understand what has happened, why intimacy has declined, and how connection can be restored in ways that feel safe, respectful, and mutually fulfilling.
Lack of intimacy is a major factor contributing to divorce. While exact statistics on sexless marriages and divorce are hard to find, some studies suggest that about one-third of divorces cite a sexless marriage as the primary reason. Other data show that couples in sexless marriages are much more likely to divorce, with one study indicating that close to 75% of such marriages ultimately end (1).
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
Another crucial factor is unresolved conflict. When resentment, criticism, or emotional wounds are not addressed, emotional closeness can deteriorate, leading to a decline in sexual intimacy, which is often one of the first areas to be affected.
Mental Health Considerations
Mental health challenges, such as anxiety and depression, can play a significant role in reducing desire, arousal, and the motivation for connection between partners.
Physical Health Issues
In addition to mental health, physical health problems, chronic pain, hormonal changes, and side effects from medications can make sexual activity uncomfortable or undesirable.
Impact of Past Trauma
Past traumatic experiences, particularly those related to sexual violence, may resurface in long-term relationships, especially during times of increased stress or change.
Prioritisation of Intimacy
In some cases, couples may stop prioritising intimacy. Over time, this can create emotional distance, rendering sexual encounters awkward or anxiety-inducing.
Importantly, sexlessness is often not the fundamental issue but rather an indicator that deeper problems within the relationship require attention. Understanding these underlying factors is crucial for addressing and potentially revitalising a couple’s intimacy.
Is My Marriage Sexless?
There is no single definition that applies to every couple. However, many clinicians describe a marriage as sexless when sexual activity occurs fewer than once a month or fewer than ten times per year, particularly when one or both partners feel distressed about it. What matters most is not the number, but how the lack of sex affects emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction.
If sex has become a source of tension, avoidance, sadness, or conflict, or if one partner feels persistently rejected or unwanted, these are meaningful signs that intimacy concerns deserve attention. Even couples who have sex more frequently may still feel emotionally disconnected or dissatisfied, indicating that the quality of intimacy is just as important as frequency.
Types of Sexless Marriages
Sexless marriages can vary significantly in their characteristics, and recognising the specific dynamics within a relationship can be crucial for making informed decisions about next steps.
Differences in Desire
In some cases, both partners may experience low sexual desire but feel content with the arrangement, suggesting that their emotional connection remains intact despite the lack of sexual activity. In such scenarios, sexlessness itself may not pose a challenge unless it starts to affect their emotional closeness.
More frequently, couples encounter a discrepancy in sexual desire, where one partner craves sex much more than the other. This imbalance can lead to feelings of frustration, guilt, pressure, or even withdrawal from the relationship.
Lack of Emotional Connection
Emotional disconnection can also contribute to sexlessness, often resulting from years of unresolved conflicts, criticism, or a perceived lack of appreciation.
Avoidant or Anxious Intimacy
In some situations, sexual intimacy may be avoided due to anxiety, shame, trauma responses, or fear of failure associated with sexual performance.
Medications or Hormones
Medical or hormonal issues can play a significant role as well, especially if sexual activity becomes painful or physically challenging.
Trust and Relationship Breakdowns
Additionally, breaches of trust, such as infidelity, can create an environment where intimacy feels unsafe, leading to a cessation of sexual activity.
Understanding these various factors is crucial for addressing the underlying issues in a sexless marriage and finding constructive ways to reconnect.
About 15-20% of married couples experience a sexless marriage (defined as having sex less than 10 times a year), with older adults showing rates around 40%. Many couples stay together for other reasons, but sexless marriages are linked to higher divorce rates, with estimates that over 70% end in divorce.
How Common Is a Sexless Marriage?
Sexless marriages are far more common than many people realise. Research suggests that approximately 15–20% of married couples report being in a sexless marriage, typically defined as having sex fewer than 10 times per year (2). Furthermore, 13.5% hadn’t had it for 5 years (3).
Many more couples experience extended periods of low sexual activity during major life transitions such as pregnancy, early parenthood, illness, grief, or menopause.
Despite how common it is, sexlessness remains a taboo topic. This silence often leads individuals to believe they are alone or that their relationship is fundamentally broken, when in reality, many couples face similar challenges.
What Are the Statistics for Sexual Frequency?
Studies indicate that the average long-term couple engages in sex on average two to four times per month, though frequency tends to decline naturally with age and relationship length. Couples who have sex once or twice per week are generally considered above average, while sexless marriages typically involve sexual activity less than once per month.
However, statistics are only useful as a reference point. A healthy sexual relationship is defined by mutual satisfaction, consent, and emotional connection, not by comparison to averages or societal expectations.
The average married couple has sex approximately 2–4 times per month, with frequency declining over time (4). Couples married 10+ years are significantly more likely to experience prolonged periods of low or no sexual activity.
Sexual frequency varies greatly and generally declines with age. Younger adults (18-34) often have sex weekly or more, while older adults (50+) report having sex a few times a month or less. Around once a week is common for many, but a healthy sex life depends on mutual fulfilment rather than a specific frequency, influenced by factors like age, health, and relationship status.
How Often Should We Be Having Sex?
There is no universal answer to how often couples should have sex. A healthy sex life looks different for every relationship. Problems arise not because a couple is having “too little” sex, but because partners have different needs, expectations, or emotional experiences around intimacy.
Sex becomes an issue when it is accompanied by distress, avoidance, resentment, or silence. In these cases, the focus should shift from frequency to understanding what sex represents emotionally for each partner and how those needs can be addressed.
Why Do Some Couples Stop Having Sex?
Couples often stop having sex when emotional safety diminishes. Ongoing conflict, feeling unheard, or feeling emotionally neglected can make vulnerability feel risky. When sex becomes associated with pressure, obligation, or fear of rejection, avoidance can feel like self-protection.
In many relationships, non-sexual affection also declines over time, further widening the emotional gap.
Without open communication, misunderstandings grow, and partners may silently assume the worst about each other’s intentions or desires.
Bad Sex, Discomfort, and Sexual Dysfunction
When sex is consistently unsatisfying, rushed, painful, or emotionally disconnected, desire often fades naturally. Sexual dysfunction, performance anxiety, pain during intercourse, or mismatched preferences can all lead to withdrawal if they are not discussed openly. Shame and embarrassment often prevent couples from seeking help, prolonging problems unnecessarily.
Over time, avoiding sex can feel easier than confronting discomfort or fear of failure, reinforcing the cycle of distance.
Loss of Desire and Libido Decline
Loss of sexual desire is one of the most common concerns in sexless marriages. Libido is highly sensitive to stress, mental health, hormonal changes, body image, and relationship satisfaction.
Desire does not disappear randomly; it often reflects how safe, connected, and supported a person feels within their relationship and within themselves.
Understanding libido decline requires curiosity rather than blame. When desire is viewed as a message rather than a problem, couples can begin to address its underlying causes.
What to Do If You’re in a Sexless or Low-Sex Marriage
The first step is shifting away from blame and toward understanding. Framing the issue as a shared challenge rather than an individual failure helps reduce defensiveness and opens the door to honest conversation. It is equally important to talk about the emotional meaning of sex, what it represents for each partner, rather than focusing solely on how often it happens.
Rebuilding emotional intimacy often precedes sexual reconnection. Feeling emotionally seen, valued, and safe lays the groundwork for physical closeness. Addressing unresolved conflict, stress, health concerns, or past experiences is essential, and for many couples, professional support provides the safest space to do so.
A marriage/relationship is considered sexless when a couple has sex fewer than 10 times a year, which is less than once a month.
What to Do If You’re Unhappy in a Dead Bedroom
Feeling unhappy, lonely, or rejected in a sexless marriage is deeply painful, and these feelings should not be dismissed or minimised. Avoiding the issue rarely leads to improvement and often deepens resentment over time. While pressuring a partner for sex tends to backfire, ignoring your own needs can be equally damaging.
Counselling offers an opportunity to explore these feelings openly, clarify needs and boundaries, and decide together how to move forward, whether that involves rebuilding intimacy or redefining the relationship in healthier ways.
A Sexless Marriage Isn’t a Foregone Conclusion
Many couples assume that once sex stops, it will never return. This belief can keep partners stuck in cycles of avoidance and resignation for years. In reality, many sexless marriages improve significantly once the underlying emotional, relational, and practical issues are addressed.
Intimacy does not have to look the same as it once did to be meaningful. For many couples, reconnection brings more profound emotional closeness, improved communication, and a more authentic form of intimacy than before.
How Counselling for a Sexless Marriage Can Help
Counselling for a sexless marriage provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore intimacy concerns without blame or pressure. Therapy helps couples understand the emotional and relational roots of sexual disconnection, improve communication around sensitive topics, and navigate desire discrepancies with empathy and respect.
Rather than focusing on “fixing” sex, counselling focuses on restoring trust, emotional safety, and understanding, conditions that naturally support intimacy. Couples are supported to develop realistic, mutually satisfying goals that honour both partners’ needs and boundaries.
Additional Tips for Restoring Intimacy
Restoring intimacy often begins with small, consistent changes. Prioritising uninterrupted time together, reintroducing safe non-sexual touch, and approaching intimacy with curiosity rather than expectation can gradually rebuild closeness. Addressing physical or hormonal concerns with appropriate health professionals can also play an important role.
Most importantly, couples benefit from letting go of rigid ideas about how intimacy “should” look and allowing connection to evolve in ways that feel genuine and sustainable.
Final Thoughts: Support Is Available
If you are struggling with a dead bedroom, a sexless marriage, or ongoing intimacy difficulties, you are not alone, and your relationship is not beyond help. With the proper support, couples can move from silence and frustration toward understanding, connection, and renewed closeness.
We offer in-chair couples therapy on the Gold Coast for sexless marriage and dead bedroom concerns, as well as online counselling for couples who prefer flexibility and privacy. If this article resonates with you, we encourage you to enquire with us. Meaningful change is possible, and support is available when you’re ready.
References:
- [1] Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ. Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education. Couple Family Psychol. 2013 Jun;2(2):131-145. doi: 10.1037/a0032025. PMID: 24818068; PMCID: PMC4012696.
- [2] Michael, R. T., Gagnon, J. H., Laumann, E. O., & Kolata, G. (1994). Sex in America: A Definitive Survey. Little, Brown and Company
- [3] Kim JH, Tam WS, Muennig P. Sociodemographic Correlates of Sexlessness Among American Adults and Associations with Self-Reported Happiness Levels: Evidence from the U.S. General Social Survey. Arch Sex Behav. 2017 Nov;46(8):2403-2415. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-0968-7. Epub 2017 Mar 8. PMID: 28275930; PMCID: PMC5889124.
- [4] Laumann, E. O., Paik, A., & Rosen, R. C. (1999). Sexual dysfunction in the United States. Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), 281(6), 537–544.
